spesperardua

Paul and Michael were born in the late ’50s and early ’60s respectively to a University graduate father and a mother who had not had the opportunity for further education. The second world war and economic circumstances had put paid to that although she was to gain entry to University in middle age only for finances to derail the opportunity.

Family life was not happy as the father was not interested in his sons and the recession of the ’70s forced his business into bankruptcy. Always prone to live beyond his means, he never recovered his bearings professionally or personally. The marriage ended in divorce. The mother made up for all the deficiencies of the father. Caring, calm and intelligent, childhood for Paul and Michael was ‘normal’ in her hands apart from a noted lack of friends being invited to the house. Boarding schools from an early age solved that.

Temperamentally, Paul was more forceful; Michael was more kind and, perhaps, thoughtful. The divorce, when it came, less seriously affected Paul as he was older and had actually been a keen sportsman so heading off to University at that time was a natural escape. Michael’s situation was far different.

Some years earlier, before high school, he had been struck down with a serious case of mono – originally mis-diagnosed as leukemia. A good sportsman to that point, he never played sports again. Instead he became absorbed in music. The divorce coincided with him heading off to a boarding high school. It also coincided with his mother having two bouts of cancer. The school started uneventfully but, as time went on, his housemaster bullied and emotionally abused him. His mother, now recovered from her cancer, had to tackle the housemaster’s conduct unaided. Although this provided some relief, a great deal of damage was done. Michael left high school without qualifications and did not attend University.

Life was tough but he had good friends. After many years of struggle, he at last found a footing and bought a small apartment. Love followed and his girlfriend moved in. It was the peak of his life. From that point, his girlfriend left him and he became ill. A diagnosis of not to worry was followed by a collapse in a public space and the merciless news that he had terminal cancer – a form that is easily curable with the correct initial diagnosis. He returned to live with his mother who cared for him until his death at age 29.

Paul had prospered in the intervening time. Indeed he was married the year of Michael’s death. The event hit him very hard. Shortly after the marriage, there had been a serious problem in his relationship with his wife. He found himself spending hours alone in a local church. With the death of his brother, he prayed that the tormented soul of Michael would be returned to him in a son so that, perhaps, childishly, he could make amends for all that had befallen his brother. Regrets were not confined to the actions of others. Indeed certain of his own deeds tormented him despite them perhaps being common between siblings.

The request to a divine was supported by, as in the movies, a TV at home switching itself on in the middle of the night shortly after Michael’s death. Divine or no divine, his son, John, was born in the middle of the following year. His life now had a purpose above all. All parents feel love but this was also a solemn responsibility

His circumstances were such that, in the early years, he was able to spend a great deal of time with John. A happy and rewarding time. If you have read to this point, you may be asking, so what? Is there a point here?

Let’s get up to date. John is now 24. He and his father have been very close. Possibly even to the point where he has tried to emulate some of what Paul has done. By nature, though, he is more Michael. What a gift for a father given the history and the divine request. But is it a curse for John?

To honour the pledge given, Paul sent John to the best private schools. Any teachers who showed the slightest lack of regard for any aspect of John’s welfare were spoken with immediately. John went to Paul’s alma mater College in a foreign country but did he go there for himself or to meet what he believed were expectations?  The experience was not altogether successful though he did complete the course. Paul and his wife ended, acrimoniously, a marriage that had been unhappy or almost all of the 21 years of its existence.

In John’s last year at college, he fell in love with a girl. After college, he followed her to a foreign country as she started her career. He could not gain a start himself. Perhaps inevitably, they split up and he returned home, staying with Paul after a while. Further, he had developed a medical issue that did not clear up on the prescription as hoped. The doctor was overseas and John seemed less aggressive than Paul on gaining local assistance and diagnosis.

With the combination of stress in Paul’s life generally, coupled with watching John’s struggles, emotion boiled over with Paul. By nature more aggressive as mentioned, he became irritated by what seemed John’s lack of energy and focus in dealing with job and medical issues. Any discussion led to an argument. When John announced that he had been told to consult an infectious disease doctor by his foreign doctor despite that doctor not being informed that there were on-going symptoms of the condition, Paul lost it over the phone, worried for John, especially given the horrible parallels with Michael’s situation that he had spent so many years trying to avoid.  Seemingly the outcome was failure, but also, shamefully, he began to worry about himself in the face of inaction. He asked John to leave.

At that point Paul felt that he had, despite all his very best endeavors, failed not only John but perhaps the divine. Michael was lost in youth. Paul prayed that John had not missed his path too. There was no question of mortality to anyone’s knowledge but perhaps the road to hell for Paul was paved with good intentions and the arrogance that they could make things right.

Someone asked about therapy for their relationship …

Never been a fan. Expensive, normally biased advice, based on partial truths.

A relationship is like a garden allotment managed by two committed gardeners who visit the space, sometimes alone, sometimes together. They tend the space and care for it creating something that is shared. The reward is the creation and the act of creating. Neither takes out; rather they work on putting in. Their labour is creating their reward. There is purpose.

If one gardener takes over the other, the garden loses its joy and its ‘soul’. In the end it dies. There are no personal needs to the detriment of one over other.

A therapist is like a gardening club – a source of ideas perhaps, maybe good to listen to but tangential to the work of committed gardeners whose focus is on the joint product and the joy it creates for them and other observers – away from everyday personal needs. Beauty is created from acts of selflessness; needs, with ineffective communication or balance, take and destroy.

Therapy, like self-help books, primarily benefits strangers outside. Common purpose and sharing maintain and grow relationships.